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> Under Ground Hotel, Yaoi, first fic, please give me some rev
Khách_sow_*
bài Oct 26 2004, 01:05 PM
Bài viết #1





Drifter







It’s my first fic ever, all the characters are original, the plot borrowed from Under Ground Hotel from Nakama. Please go easy on me. And please, if possible, give me some comment! Please. I know my writing is bad, yet just please give me some review.

UNDER GROUND HOTEL
No one will ever believe that in America can exist a place like “Under ground hotel”, a place where all kind of murderers and rapers are gathered, a place where no rule exists, or at least the only one is followed is the rule of the strong.
“Hey boss, what are you still doing here? There’s sth fun in over there. I heard there’s a new guy checked in today, and he’s new babe.”
“So?”
“What’s up? Don’t tell me you got straithened out just after got some words from the chief?”
“Damned that I’m straithened out. That stupid son of a b*tch! I’ll check the new guy out now, and he’d better be good, or else he’s dead meat!”
And with that Fuuma <…………. having nothing to do with Fuuma sama from X, just b/c I love the name so much! ................ >got up to the other end of the prison.
As Fuuma approached, one guy told him: “He’s just your type boss. Small, shy, girly. I wondered what the hell could he ever do to get thrown in here!”, and the other “I let you have him first boss, yet after that, let us have a taste boss. Please go easy on him a bit. He’s brand new!”
Fuuma looked at the trembling and shivering creature in front of him. With long brown hair, pale complexion, small body build, it looked more like a kid than an adult, let a long a dangerous criminal.
“What’s your name kiddo?”
…..
“What got you here?”
….
“You better behave kid. Here’s Under Ground Hotel, and you’re talking to its boss. “
….
“I start to like you kid. Got some nerve to act cold with me? Got to teach you some lessons, right? It’s your first day here anyway!”
The guards suddenly interfered. “Alright, Fuuma, the kid is for you, just that he now needs some paper work to be done. And remember this thing, don’t kill him like you did for the newie last time. It’s a pain in the a** to clean that up!”






That night was the worst time Kamui <……….. Eh, of course having no thing to do with Kamui sama from X, just love him so much……………Sorry if it makes someone mad. If feel so disturbed, just tell me and I’ll change the name……..>ever had in his whole life. Painful, disgusting, helpless… Fuuma, on the other hand, quite enjoyed it though, actually enjoyed it very much. The kid was so innocent and responsive. He had known it was his first time with a guy, yet now he wondered if it was his first time having sex ever.
Fuuma looked at the tattered creature lying beside him. His fragile body, his sad eyes, his small hand, his too fair complexion. They all disturded him, revived in him sth he had long forgotten, made him want to hold him, to made him his and to protect him. Fuuma pondered for a moment and asked “What brought you here kid?”…Quiet….”Spit it out. It’s not like you can’t speak. I heard you whimper before. Such a sexy voice.” …Quiet again…”Ok, I killed my folks coz they too annoying. A pain in the a**! I got 40 years here. Wondered what could you do? Stole some bucks? Peeked some girls?” ….Quiet again, then “ I was born ”…
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magicoflove
bài Oct 28 2004, 04:11 AM
Bài viết #2


Nhà Kurapika-học ^^
**

Nhóm: Holy Knight
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Từ: phố Sao băng
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Một fic phỏng tác ? Nếu vậy cần ghi đúng tên manga đã, "Under Grand Hotel" ^^

Ừm, thích cái tên Sen trong nguyên tác hơn là Fuuma. Nghe Sen dễ thương hơn (IMG:http://board.truyentranh.com/style_emoticons/default/mellow.gif)

Nếu có một chút sáng tạo, nếu không sẽ rất giống sao lại một manga bằng chữ.

Không đọc nhiều fic EN, nên chẳng biết nhận xét giọng văn của bạn ra sao. Nhưng tôi đọc "được" ^^

Nên chú ý cách trình bày. Đánh cách dòng sẽ dễ đọc hơn. Tựa đề fic nên ghi lớn hơn một chút.

Chờ chap tiếp.

Bài này đã được magicoflove sửa: Oct 28 2004, 04:24 AM
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Khách_sow_*
bài Oct 28 2004, 04:52 PM
Bài viết #3





Drifter







Um…Thanks for all of you guy’s opinion. I’ll try….
Anyway, another part of the fic is here. I’m kind of busy lately “thanks to my stupid political teacher” so though I have all the ideas, I just dun have time to sit down and type it all!!!

It’d been one month since Ka-chan came to the UGH prison. Everything pretty much just went the same old routine with fighting, with murdering, with rapes…, except for one thing. That was Fuuma. He nearly strangled a guy who dared touch his possession—Kamui. Some guys said that it was coz the kid got such a good a** . Yet Fuuma knew it ‘s not just that. It’s true that he loved making love with the kid yet it was his lonely expression, his accepting attitude, his sad up to the point of pitiful half smile that made Fuuma want to kill anyone come near him. He wondered if it was love, or just a sense of possession? He couldn’t tell, since he had no heart, or maybe it died the very day he ‘s born.


Whose voice is it? So beautiful, so sweet yet also so bitter? A wandering deer, a lonesome bird, or an angel? No, why would an angel come to a place like this? His aura would be tainted by all of the bloody since here, his angelic voice would be polluted by the voice of anguish of all the sinful people here. And of course, no angel would ever sing to me, a murderer. I know it, yet why, I still hold on to the hope that it was an angel?!
Fuuma opened his eyes. The voice’s gone.
“Sorry that I woke you up.”
“It ‘s your singing?”
“…Sorry if it disturbed you…”
“No, not at all….but…Um…Umm…Your voice is nice.”
Ka-chan said nothing. He sank into his own thought again. He always liked that. Always quiet, always distant……Suddenly, ”Do you believe in heaven, Fuuma?”
“What brought that up?”
“Do you?”
“ Why should I? What is the difference if I do? I was born to go to hell anyway.” Yes, why should I believe in heaven if I know I will never be able to tell what it’s like? People say heaven is the place where there’s sufferance but only happiness. Yet, what is happiness? The satisfaction after sex, the pleasure of killing, the fulfillment of money or just a nostalgic feeling of what one used to have yet lost forever? I don’t know. And I guess I’ll never find out…
Suddenly Fuuma felt some warm arms hugging him. Sweet and pleasant. Fragile and vulnerable.
“Why all of the sudden?”—Fuuma nearly yelled at the kid.—“Wanna me f**k you again?”
“Sorry. It’s just that…It’s just that…you looked like you gonna cry…”
“Cry? Who? Me? What are you talking about? Me and cry?...” Funny. And after the kid said that, I feel like I wanna cry. When was it the last time that I cried? When I killed my parents? No, it’s salty yet it’s not tears. It was blood. Yet why I feel like crying now? Cause of the first time there’s someone cares how I feel? Coz of the first time there’s some one hugging me for comfort? Funny. Yet I really wanna cry!?







Sorry for stopping it now, yet i've got to go, got to eat my dinner!
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solero286
bài Oct 28 2004, 04:58 PM
Bài viết #4


stupid sol...stupid sol will die ^^
*

Nhóm: Warrior
Bài viết: 70
Ngày gia nhập: 21-October 02
Từ: nowhere..
Thành viên số: 2209




Nothing's bad, ur writing nor ur English ( I wonder what rank of it you're in?) So why don't you switch it in to Vietnamese? Y is a sensitive genre and I think that you're capable of describing Fuuma's feeling in our tongue langague? That will make more interesting ^^

Ur fist chapter's so short, and I suggest that you should not put your words in the middle of the fic so much. It could make quite a bad impression.

Anyway, I like its name " Underground Hotel" Come on, dear ^^

@mol : That was the name of the fic made you notice this, right?
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Khách_sow_*
bài Oct 29 2004, 09:01 AM
Bài viết #5





Drifter







Um,
It's not like I don't want to write in type in Vnmese, it's more like I can't!!!! I don't know why but when i tried to type in Vnmese, it didn't quite work out the way I wanted!!!!! It really got on my nerve. Every time, I want to type in English, it starts to change the word I type into Vnmese (Add accent, i mean!) and every time i try to type in VNmese ( vini code ), it just .... (feel free to say idiot, pathetic, stupic, dumb, i know i'm hopeless with those things!)

And, about double space, I changed the fic in double space in winword yet when I copied and pasted it back in the answer session, it just changed back into single space. (once again, feel free to ask "how dumb you are!")

Anyway, thanks for you guy opinion!
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Khách_sow_*
bài Oct 29 2004, 12:04 PM
Bài viết #6





Drifter







Just got out of my dumb*#%$@ English class. Such a pain!!!!
Anyway, as my Linkin Park sama once said ”You reap what you sow”, I’d better finish what I started—I mean this fic!


The normally noisy prison became even noisier with the news of a pardon from the newly elected president. Yes, a pardon that allowed a prisoner start a brand new life, without any hold about his past crime. A franchise machine! A miracle! Yet it wasn’t for everyone. It had been decided from the beginning that between Kamui and Fuuma, one of them would get the pardon as they were the only ones here that had snuffed only two lives or less and those that they killed had no relatives to weep for.
“The boss gonna lose this time!” One guy said
“What do you expect? How on earth a guy like him can even compete with the kid about being penitent?!”
“Not if boss just gives the kid an one way ticket to hell.”
“Awh!”
“Awh! ….That hurts boss! I know you’re frustrated with the pardon thingy, but don’t dump that on us! Dump it on Ka….Awh! Ok…Ok…I leave now!”
“Dumb a**! Why should I care about that stupid pardon? What’s the difference between here and outside?” Yes, what is the difference? Here or outside, I’m still alone. Here or out there, no one would ever think of me as human. Here or there, I’m still the parasite of the society. I know it, then why it still bugs me? Then why my chest gets heavy every time I think that Ka-chan gonna leave the place, gonna leave me alone? Why should it hurt? To me the kid is only a sex buddy, only a thing for me to release my anger, a toy for me to play with? Or he is more than that? I don’t know, and I don’t want to know. Maybe, it’s better that the kid should just leave, and thus I can return to my own self, so that I can stop all the confusion inside my mind. I know it, yet still, why it just hurts more?
“Are you alright Fuuma?”
Fuuma nearly jumped at the sensation of the light touch, at the sweetness of the whispering voice. Quickly recovering his cold and carefree face, he demanded:
“Where have you been?”
“Um…I just went to see Father Brian…Just wanted to talk to him a bit…”
“Again?! Think that if you keep on praying to god, he will let you be the choosen one? Or you wanna try that old man out?”
No answer came. Just a quiet look. Fuuma hated that looked, that pathetic, pitiful and gloomy look. A look of a abandoned puppy, scare and trembling, a look of a fallen angel, innocent yet vulnerable. He hated it so much, except he felt like sinking into that look, sinking into a path of no return.
Quiet, and then shyly “Make love to me Fuuma.!”. Fuuma stared at him confusedly and tried to laugh it off: “What bite you today kid? Getting horny after discovering that I’m better off than that old priest?”
The kid said nothing, just simply looked at him with begging eyes. And of course there’s no way in hell Fuuma could refused such an offer with such a sexy face!




“Guard!!!! Help guard!!! Get a doctor!!! Hurry up!! F**** it all!!!”
The prison was almost turned up side down by the screaming from cell number 7—where Fuuma and Kamui shared. The guards arrived just in time to find the whole cell stink with blood and the dirty [bed] sheet died crimson with blood.





Will finish it when have time. Promise with all the honnor that i 've ever been able to get (which is almost none. (IMG:http://board.truyentranh.com/style_emoticons/default/sad.gif) )Anyway, please tell me what you guy think. Please! Pretty please!
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Khách_sow_*
bài Nov 2 2004, 11:32 AM
Bài viết #7





Drifter







The last part of the fic!!!



"Fuu...ma... Don't cry...yet i'm happy that you cry for me..."





"Father Brian, are you sure you want to come in?"

"How is he doing?"

"Half dead! Saying none, eating none, doing none, just holding on to Kamui's dead corpse, and ready to kill anyone dare move or touch the kid's bloody body."

"Yeah, talk about the inspector guy who nearly got strangled when trying to examine the corpse."Another guard added.

"So, how the pardon goes?"

"Well, as soon as he's conscious enough to sign his name and take an oath, he's free." The first guard said, opening the cell door and adding: "Father, if you can make it, I'll call you for prayer when my old folk's time comes!" when closing the door for Brian.

The cell was horrible. It looked at if a battle just occurred there with things thrown everywhere on the floor. The color and smell of blood made the priest who got used to the sacred air of God felt fainted. And in the middle of that chaos sat a man, no, sat a dying animal. His eyes opened yet looked at nothing, his face was soulless stained with dried blood and his bony arms held on to Kamui's body as if to his dear life. The kid still looked beautiful, a beauty of a fallen angel, even when he'd gone. Upon his thin purple lips where Death had forcefully placed a kiss, Brian could still see a ghost of a smile, a smile of satisfaction, of happiness, the kind of smile that only made people cry rather than be glad.

Brian took a deep breath and began:

"Fuuma, I knew no matter what I said now, still the fact that Kamui's dead can never change. Yet still I hope that you'll listen to me."

"On the day before his death, the kid came to me and asked me a favour...That if anything happened, I would come to tell you... That... it was you who he loved, and that he only lived his life for you, and only you. That... he needed no freedom without you, and yet he couldn't stand being as selfish as keeping you suffer in this hell with him forever... Fuuma, the kid hoped that you could find heaven filled with happiness in the outside world."

Happiness? Freedom? Heaven? Are you that stupid kiddo? You said that you needed no freedom without me, you think I do? You said that you wanted me to find happiness and heaven? How could I when you took all of them away with you on your journey to death? Tell me kid!! Wake up and tell me? Don't! Don't just close your eyes and keep quiet like this! Don't!!! I hate you kiddo! I hate your pathetic look, I hate your pitiful eyes, I hate your stupidity, I hate everything about you... and yet can you open your eyes just one more time?

"Fuuma, I don't know whether you believe in heaven or not, yet... I think I should tell you this... It's not something the kid wanted me to do yet... I think it can at least stop you from killing yourself... maybe... Kamui asked me two favours. The first one I just did... The second one is not to pray for him when he's dead...Because, he told me, he made a deal with Satan, that if he let him have his soul when he's dead, Satan will let you go to heaven... "

You hate me that much kiddo? You think that by borrowing the power of the Devil, you can run away from me? You think I'm that low? You think that I can let go of you that easy? No, you're wrong kid. I will never give up on you in exchange for anything. No kid, I'll take you back from the Devil's hand by becoming an eviller Devil. No kid, I'll never give you to anyone. No kid, you are mine and mine alone...


"Tell me father? Does happiness truly exist if it can only be realized after lost forever?"

...,

"Father, why did the kid get here?"

"What do you mean?"

"Don't play dumb with me!!! Damned you!! Who threw the kid into this place? Don't tell me some f@%$ing thing like he killed some innocent citizens!?"

"..."

"... They say that he killed some guys and his mom was the witness, yet... yet ... the fact is... the murderer was his prostitution mother and the witness was the kid..."







The guard opened the door. Father Brian went out, followed by Fuuma...

"Great job Father. I'll have to call you for my pop after all!"

"Yeah... Great job... in reviving a Devil..."







Ten years later...

People in the whole America talked about an execution of the most dangerous murderer ever: killing nearly 100 prostitution in the most cruel ways, declining the offer for prayer from any priest, and asking no cross put up on his grave. His last words before death: "I guessed I've earned enough for a ticket to hell."






Sorry for the part about the Devil and stuff so clumpsy, yet i have no idea to make Fuuma íntead of just killing himself, got ... excuted instead!!!!
If possible, tell me what you think!

Bài này đã được sow sửa: Nov 4 2004, 08:55 AM
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Sapology
bài Nov 4 2004, 05:57 AM
Bài viết #8


K can open Sap's heart..
*******

Nhóm: Black Mage
Bài viết: 1076
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Từ: Sapology's Blog
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Chậc , đọc mãi mới xong cái Fic này . Hình như phải đi học lại khóa Tiếng Anh thoai , không thế này thì chết ..

Đọc bằng Eng , cảm xúc thấy không được nguyên vẹn như là đọc bằng Tiếng Việt . Cũng được , nhưng mà (IMG:http://board.truyentranh.com/style_emoticons/default/wink.gif) ... không thích lắm * Chắc do viết bằng Eng * (IMG:http://board.truyentranh.com/style_emoticons/default/tongue.gif)
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TorpLefgrore
bài Nov 19 2009, 08:24 AM
Bài viết #9





Nhóm: Warrior
Bài viết: 1
Ngày gia nhập: 19-November 09
Thành viên số: 58235




What is you favorite get away destination and why - real or fantasy.
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